Wilson Mizner

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
- Wilson Mizner (1876 - 1933)

Robert Orben

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
- Robert Orben

Alfred Hitchcock

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
- Alfred Hitchcock (1899 - 1980)

Plato

Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.
- Plato (427 BC - 347 BC)

Ambrose Bierce

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary

George Bernard Shaw

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.
- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

Cecil B. DeMille

The person who makes a success of living is the one who sees his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. That is dedication.
- Cecil B. DeMille (1881 - 1959)

Ernie Kovacs

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
- Ernie Kovacs

Arthur Schopenhauer

"Scoundrels are always sociable."
- Arthur Schopenhauer

Roy M. Goodman

Remember that happiness is a way of travel - not a destination.
- Roy M. Goodman

Wietse Wiels

Life is but a connection of short lasting good moments tied together by long lasting misery.
- Wietse Wiels

Billy Sunday

Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.
- Billy Sunday

Colin Powell

Leadership is solving problems. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.
- Colin Powell

Albert Einstein

God is subtle but he is not malicious.
- Albert Einstein

Marianne Moore

I'm troubled, I'm dissatisfied. I'm Irish.
- Marianne Moore "Spenser's Ireland"

James Joyce

A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
- James Joyce

O. Henry

Life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating.
- O. Henry, Gift of the Magi

Patrick Young

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
- Patrick Young

Everett Dirksen

"A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money."
- Everett Dirksen (American Senator, 1896-1969)

Woody Allen

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
- Woody Allen

Karl Marx

"The philosophers have only interpreted the world, in various ways; the point is to change it."
- Karl Marx

Abraham Lincoln

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years."
- Abraham Lincoln

Dave Berry

"You can say any foolish thing to do to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
- Dave Berry

Thomas Jefferson

"The government is best that governs least."
- Thomas Jefferson

P. J. O'Rourke

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Charlton Heston

Somebody once approached Kirk Douglas and said they had enjoyed his performance in Ben-Hur (1959). So he said, 'That wasn't me, that was another fellow.' And the man said, 'Well, if you aren't Burt Lancaster, who the hell are you?'
- Charlton Heston

Samuel Johnson

"Some desire is necessary to keep life in motion."
- Samuel Johnson

Andy Warhol

Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
- Andy Warhol

Jack Handey

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
- Jack Handey

Oscar Wilde

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
- Oscar Wilde

Mark Twain

Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size.
- Mark Twain